When You’re Alone a Lot
I’m trying to be nicer to myself. Everyone has sh*t they are going through. No one has it all figured out. The human condition is suffering. A hell of our own making, our thoughts can’t help themselves.
Most days, aside from an hour or two of video calls for work, I am alone. Just me and Copper Soup. But she is more of a listener. — I wish Elon Musk would get his head out of his a$$ and create what the people really need: AI that enables us to talk to our animals. — What is going on in that head of yours, Copper Soup?
What if communicating with our animals were the answer to all terrestrial problems? Our first female dog president. She’s a poodle. She’s a b*tch. Everybody f*cking loves her.
Unfortunately, the powers that be think it’s more important to colonize Mars than to improve communication here on Earth.
“Meow,” says Copper Soup. I think she’s annoyed because I woke her up from a nap. But then she leans into my pet. So who really knows what “meow” means?
She’s asleep again. She doesn’t feel like humoring me.
Part of the reason I don’t have anyone to talk to is because I work from home. But the other reason is that I need more friends IRL. My roots, my past, my people, they are all on the east coast. Three time zones away.
“Yea, but you’ve been in California for almost ten years!” says the not-so-nice voice in my head. She’s annoyed I didn’t make more of an effort when I first moved out here. Instead, I prioritized writing my book, an isolating endeavor.
I desperately want those years to have not been in vain. The Back Beat is my lifeline. I thank Past Cha Cha for doing the work. But I still wish my present tense had more friends.
It’s hard to make friends as an adult. Especially as an adult who does not want a child or a dog. No bonding with other moms at birthday parties. No instant friendships when my dog sniffs your dog at the park.
Making friends as an adult requires a level of vulnerability I sometimes fear I’m incapable of reaching. Of course I am, I’m just scared. Past trauma. I’ve been burned by friends before. I resent my issues. My resentment causes me to be even more awkward.
Sometimes it’s easy to be alone. Sometimes I prefer it. But I know that I don’t want to be alone all the time. I want to have plans and confidants and laughing.
I guess that’s a goal I have this summer. To make at least one new friend. — I’m going to manifest her right now. Are you listening, Universe?
She will be my age, maybe a little older, but not 40 yet. She will live in Encinitas. I can ride my bike to her house! Maybe she’s in a relationship or married. But no children. And she’s not planning to get pregnant. She is smart and funny and confident. Our conversations are effortless and entertaining. She thinks a weekly poker night is a great idea! She knows two other women to join our game.
They say you have to be specific when you talk to the Universe. I know that last bit about the poker night is a reach. But They also say, “You never get what you don’t ask for.”